Very simply, it’s a movie so bad that you have to share it with others. Kind of like having someone smell bad milk that you yourself just inhaled. But much more enjoyable.
The BMV blog is made up of 3 types of entries: 1) Random BS: Movie news, rumors, rantings and ravings. 2) Things I’ve Seen: Movies recently viewed, good or bad, of any genre. 3) Quarantine: Where horror, sci-fi, fantasy (and everything in-between) movies that are so bad they’re good (or just really, really bad) are dissected in detail.
Regular ratings are 0-5 and Contagion Levels are 1-4 (Based on the level of viewing “fun”). Subscribe and join in with comments, suggestions and any verbal clap-trap you feel needs to be added.
So, I’ve been wanting to review Luther The Geek for years and never got around to actually watching it, again, until recently. If you’re unfamiliar with the film, it involves a creepy man with metal teeth who makes life miserable for simple small-town folk, while clucking like a chicken.
And that’s pretty much the whole movie. Not a lot happens, actually.
And that is where I’m having trouble finding a way to make it work as an in-depth Quarantine entry. There isn’t much depth to it, at all.
If there were, say, film clips on the Toobs, that would be helpful. You can try to describe a grown man creeping about a farmhouse in search of his victims while clucking like a chicken, but it just doesn’t convey it in a suitable way as actually seeing and hearing it.
And the only reason to sit through the whole thing is to get to the last 15 minutes or so. Okay. I guess I have to go ahead and write this damn thing. Here we go…..
Again, I am amazed at the lack of easily available information on this movie. I remember reading all about the trials and tribulations of getting this movie made and released. It was extensively covered in either Fangoria or Gorezone (Fango’s much missed sister mag) and yet I find no entry in Wikipedia except under other entries.
Believe it or not, this movie was talked about by horror fans as a lost treasure simply because it was unable to be seen. I think that all changed once we finally got to witness it firsthand.
It doesn’t start off too bad. A deep and imposing “over-voice” informs us of the tragic history of carnival geeks. They were people so down on their luck that they would bite the heads off of live chickens for alcohol. Then….Well, the movie begins and we’re in for our first signs of trouble.
(Months later…) I give up. Luther has been in jail and some crazy bitch thinks he has paid for his crimes (which I think are murder) and they let him out. While he was in jail he made some metal teeth. He tears peoples throats out and then gets to the farmhouse.
Ummm…. Some chick shows her tits and people are all excited about that, for some reason. Luther runs around clucking like a chicken. The mom of the naked chick finally takes him out by also clucking like a chicken, making him think she wants to mate, or something. She shoots him. He is surprised she isn’t a chicken person, after all.
Wow. What a terrible movie.
I wish I could share the scene of chicken seduction, with you.
First, I hate origin stories. I’m sorry that everyone isn’t up to speed on what is going on, but I just want to get to the good stuff.
GL doesn’t bore me, though. This movie was FUN.
Does anyone remember when movies were fun? Batman (89) wasn’t perfect, but we were just happy to be done with the 60′s and back to the darkness that was the Dark Knight.
GL isn’t meant to be dark. It’s meant to give us bright, fun, entertainment. And it does that.
Yes, I could have many gripes with this film. I’m not going to bitch, though. (I know, it’s a surprise to me, as well.) I had a great time with this movie.
Ryan Reynolds delivered, Blake Lively wasn’t awful, the FX were fun, the script didn’t waste too much time, and it was fucking fun!
FUN! I FUCKING TELL YOU!
I’m not going to give a synopsis or a real review, I just had to say this.
Everyone, including one of my favorite internet reviewers, wanted to hate this movie and therefore hated it.
Look, I pick up shitty movies knowing they’ll be bad and I can rant. No one knew whether this film would be good, before seeing it. But they heard everyone else slamming it and went in expecting shit.
I could have done that. I’m not even a Green Lantern fan. I read everything and, you know what, I didn’t give a fuck. It looked fun. I cautiously approached it after paying $33 or whatever and just said to myself: “I’ll just let it play and if it sucks, it does, but I might actually enjoy it.”
I enjoyed it. A lot.
Stop putting so much expectation and baggage from what others say. Remember what it was like to be a kid and see a movie you were excited about. It didn’t matter if it was perfect, you got to see what you dreamt of and you latched on to the good parts. Hell, I loved Flash Gordon, and that’s a terrible movie.
I’m going to say something you are not likely to hear ever fucking again. Please don’t tell anyone else that I said this, okay? I trust you. Just let it be our secret, okay?
I agree with Harry Knowles.
Shush.
He wanted to like the movie, and he did. I wanted to like it, and I did.
If YOU want to hate it, you will.
It’s a shame that noone can just enjoy the experience of “going to the movies”, anymore.
We made it a point to see it on a huge screen with digital projection in 3-D, cuz if you’re gonna go to the fucking movies, you better make the most of it.
You love movies. You have to, or you wouldn’t be reading my bullshit ramblings. Remember what it was like. Just let go and let a movie take you where you’ve never been.
This is more of a rant, than a review. I’m sorry. Just reading all the negativity about a silly movie about aliens and magic rings made me question my critical brethren’s reasons for watching films, at all! If it’s total crap, great, be mean. But if it works with some things, but not all, ….. Fuck it. Stop WANTING to hate movies.
This movie starts with a great shot of a hallway and then devolves into shit. Just….Just look at this fucking shot!
Kubrick would be proud.
That’s freakin’ awesome. Then… We’re introduced to our main villain. I have to say, I’m not very afraid. If you need a smoke-stack to keep you running, all I have to do is drop a basketball in the tube on your head and defeat you. Dude. Seriously.
Least imposing villian, ever.
Also, he has a super-intelligent cat, that wants to help Mr. Smokey do…what the fuck is he going for? Oh, yeah. He’s trying to rule a city. Not a state, or country or the goddamn world, mind you. He just wants to run a city. With a psychic cat. Enough said.
Do not turn your back on this little fucker.
A bunch of dialog happens and Godzilla and the fucking cat have at it. I know. It sounds stupid, but you have to see it to believe it. *Spoiler* The cat wins.
It looks better on Blu-Ray.
Meanwhile, Johnny Storm (no relation to the Marvel character, he’s actually just a weatherman) was caught in the middle of the ruckus and irradiated by Godzilla’s radioactive breath. He has now gained the ability to embiggen his penis to describe the destruction caused by a butterfly that was also caught in the middle of the ruckus.
Radiation is seeping from my urethra. News at 11.
Butterflyra attacks!
Luckily, a super-spy has infiltrated Mr Weatherbee’s fortress and is able to sever his member.
Radiate this!
Jesus, after the Kitty defeated Godzilla, the world knew it needed help. In a BIG way. Therefore, Voltron was called in to solve the problem.
Master of the Univ...Oh wait...
Luckily, everything could be blamed on Ronald McDonald, so justice was served and millions of starving children got real beef and schooling. Thanks to the LAPD or whoever. Fuck it.
Suck it.
Happy April Fools Day. I will soon have time to get back to writing, again. Promise.
First of all, it’s not really 3-D, unless you actually shoot it in 3-D. Post-conversion D usually equals a pop-up-book.
Which is why I found it funny that the movie was listed as “The Green Hornet D-3″ at the actual theater.
Anyway, the post-conversion wasn’t bad. It actually looked like director Gondry and crew planned for the conversion, so some things actually worked. I don’t think there’s really a reason to pay the extra five bucks for shoddy extra dimensions, but it’s up to you. It wasn’t Clash of the Titans bad.
The movie, though, was a blast. I was never a fan of the show (radio or T.V.), so I wasn’t sure if I was the target audience. Then I tried to think of any fans of the show (radio or T.V.), I knew, and realized there is no fucking audience for that. Fans of the radio show are dead and fans of the T.V. show are all just fans of Bruce Lee that found out about the show after watching Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story. You know…the movie where Lee was killed by a nightmare samurai.
Hornet gets a good nod to Lee out of the way in the first third, where we see that Kato is a sketch artist. Amongst his drawrings is a page of sketches of Bruce. I believe I was the only one in the audience that got it. I guess everyone else thought Kato just got off drawing himself. I dunno. They all look the same, you know.
Most of the flick focuses on Seth Rogen as a spoiled shit that takes advantage of Kato (played by some Asian dude that is not Bruce Lee) and … that’s about it. Kato steals the movie by having some depth, though, and the flick deals with the conflict between the two quite well.
The action is … actiony. Okay, it’s actually a lot of fun. I wish the fights involving Kato had been shot smoother, but even the car and gun-play is just a hell of a lot of fun.
If you want a synopsis, just read any other review out there. I’m just letting you know that if you’re looking for a good time, this is one.
Or, you could go see Nicholas Cage in a bad wig, fighting demons. Or Anthony Hopkins pretending to be the Exorcist. It’s up to you.
I had a great time.
Rating: 4 out of 5
Nix says: It’s not changing anything, because it doesn’t need to. It’s just a lot of fun.
As I finish up (meaning: continue to not finish) my review of Luther The Geek, I thought I’d visit some trailers for other movies I would like to watch.
To begin, here’s a trailer about trailers. And it is not by Cracked. It’s by BriTanIck or however they spell it. Hooray for trailers!
Removed, here this the link to a fucking link:… Never mind … Click this…
We’ll begin with The Offspring, an adaptation of a Jack Ketchum’s (not his real name) novel, brought to us by Ghost House Pictures. Yeah, the Sam Raimi outfit that has just continually knocked them out of the park.
Wow. Talk about cutting a whole bunch of disjointed scenes together.
There is no sense of danger, suspense or even horror. As much as the music would like you to think that terrible things are happening, it just kind of lays there. Like a terrible lover.
Ketchum writes things that I wouldn’t necessarily want to see on screen, but the intensity of the delivery is amazing. I own the original (edited) paperback of Off Season, which The Offspring is a sequel to. So I have a deep love for his work. A down and dirty low-budget adaptation is something the material cries out for.
This looks like 6 year olds skimmed through the book and made their interpretation.
Which brings up the question: Why did they make a movie out of the sequel, first? They made a sequel to this movie, which means they made a sequel to a sequel with no original film to tie them together. Good thinking.
Anyway, this just seems like amateur hour.
Keeping with the motif of sequels, we have Alone In The Dark 2, another movie that has no reason to exist.
I’ve watched the Uwe Boll original, many times, for no good reason. Well, except that it’s an amazing display of ineptitude. Still, I can’t understand why… cancel that… It made money. It had a huge marketing campaign with a pseudo-star and made money. That’s why it gets a direct to video sequel.
What in the fuck is going on? Carnby is Asian, now? I can’t tell what this “witch” wants. If it’s bad actors (sorry, Lance) she has many options. Why would I want to watch this?
Wait a minute. Maybe this didn’t tell me enough about the actual story. Maybe, if know more, it will help
Yeah, that made it worse. Your big effect is a bright light and half-assed CGI tentacles? “And in PARTICULAR…” we need to re-think this whole idea.
Moving on, it’s more sequels. This one, to an actual good movie, that exists. Piranha never pretended to be anything more than a Jaws ripoff, but it was actually well-written. (Don’t get me wrong. I loved the remake. It never pretended to be anything but bad.) It was a fun movie with good actors and dialogue. It made money, so there had to be a sequel.
I’ve got it. James Cameron is such a good story-teller, isn’t he? You know, the way Billy Zane was wrong about every single thing in Titanic? And how every single character in Avatar was just like every single cliché you would expect in a movie called Dancing With Smurfs?
Piranha 2: The Spawning.
I’m amazed that there is no trailer readily available. What has happened to the TOOBS??
Here’s a clip of one of the many memorable flying piranha attacks. Of which I cannot remember any, except this one.
Okay, so Cameron was fired early and it was an Italian cash-grab by the rights-holders. But this should be as much of a joke as Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. Seriously. Where are you, when I need you, internets?
Thanks for bearing with me as I attempt to balance real life with getting the site updated. I hope to begin having a reliable, dependable and lots of other words that end in “able” release schedule, soon. Until then, here’s another import from TombofAnubis.com that shows the Quarantine doesn’t just include terrible movies but some truly bizarre entries, as well.
Oh, and “Warning: NSFW” I guess.
Cover looks totally innocent. Bet it's got a strong Christian message.
School Of The Holy Beast (1974)
Wow. I never expected a “nunsploitation” flick to begin with a hockey game. But, I never expected to find a Japanese “nunsploitation” flick. Do the Japanese even practice Catholicism? Somehow, I doubt it.
But here we are, watching a movie which has the sole purpose to arouse and offend at the same time. I like that. And sexy nuns doing naughty things is a profoundly good idea. The Italians made plenty of flicks that tried to do that, God-fucking-bless them. But making the nuns Asian?? Pure goddamn genius!! Two fantasies fulfilled at one time. (Oh, did I just say that?)
Anyway, some hot little Asian girl parties it up, has sex with some guy and then joins a nun-factory. Why? Ya got me. Let’s just watch perky titties and cute faces be abused and roll with it. Hell, that’s why we (meaning “me”) bought this thing, isn’t it? NO! I bought it so I could review this thing and … umm… Fuck it. I really like seeing Asian chicks half-naked. I’m sick, and I know it. Don’t act like you don’t have that little thing about a bucket of soapy frogs that constantly nags at you, dammit.
I am so proud to be an American, right now.
Anyway, there’s not much of a plot for about the first hour. Just a series of tittilating scenes of Asian nuns getting abused with their shirts off. Did I mention they were Asian? Ok. Just wanted to make that clear.
Eventually, we find out that our heroine came to the lesbian-factory to find out how her mother died.
I know. How does a nun have a child? Well, enter Mr. Rasputin. That’s not his name, but he’s the spitting Asian image of him. He’s the preist that oversees everything.
Sure thing. Just need to step out and legally change my name to “Lord”.
He rapes a Nun In Training (NIT). So, you see what the big reveal is, don’t you? Do I have to spell it out, or have I already ruined your viewing experience? Hell, you would have figured it out on your own. But you just want to see sexy young fake (Asian) nuns getting whipped and touching each other, don’t you? (Shit. That’s just me?)
Plot? Themes? Moral of the story? Bah!
Actually, there are quite a few interesting thoughts that are voiced in this film. Please, allow me to point out some intelligence in what should just be a pseudo-porno for those who are too chicken-shit to rent the real thing:
…in the holy wet t-shirt contest.
1) Questioning “immaculate conception”, getting knocked up without having sex, which is how Jesus was supposed to have been created. One NIT actually says that Mary had to have had a lover and no baby is possible without sex. OMG! Could Mary have been “human”? You’re fucking kidding!
2) The NITs that couldn’t afford to make donations before giving their life to the church are forced to do hard labor and are severely rationed with their food. Hmmm, the Catholic church greedy? No way.
This picture is worth a thousand words. Two of them are "Holy shit"!
3) A NIT has her sister visit and is informed of her father’s ill health. She says she prays every day and her sister replies that prayer doesn’t provide the money for the hospital. Ooooo…Snap!
4) And there are plenty of scenes that point out the hypocrisy of those in power and how they abuse such power.
The movie itself is shot beautifully. Deep blues and reds. I was reminded of Argento’s early works. Painting with film. The acting is good. The camera work is fantastic, as well. Meaning that it’s fluid but not showy.
As a male, I find this offensive. Nasty, dirty nuns!
Here are my spur of the moment reactions:
Japanese guys love eating with vigor at a woman. And they look retarted.
4 minutes in and we get our first tittie shot! Hooray!.
Always have sex while wearing your crucifix, even before you become a nun.
So, new nuns have to go through a nude
As a male, I have no idea what this means. Perhaps she is cleaning between her fingers
welcoming thingie? That’s new.
After showing us a sign that says “Choir Nuns” we get a scene of the High Queen Cumm Loud Emeritus Mother telling our star that the room they’re in is for the Choir Nuns. Redundancy is helpful.
Soooo…Nuns have to sleep in their head-thingies?
10 minutes and 30 seconds in and we’ve got a topless Asian NIT whipping herself! God loves me. Quotable dialogue: “Lord, beat me with a whip.” Then, one NIT says to our newbie: “Suprised? You’ll get used to it. Whenever we feel we’re tempted by sin, we whip ourselves like that. That’s why we have whips.” God fucking loves me. I’ve got to tempt more nuns.
Sounds like a plan.
“An abbey is a place for dropouts from society.” (That’s can actually be kinda true, in some cases.)
I can’t tell who is who in this movie! They all look the same with their head-gear and asian-y faces. Oh, well. Let’s just wait for the inevitable lesbian scene.
19m36s we have 2 topless, Asian NITs forced to whip each other 20 times! And for eating food, as well. This movie rocks!
21m17s two Asian NITs laying among the flowers and passionately kissing. This just gets better… Hand up the skirt! Titties! Girl on girl action! Those wacky Japanese just “get it”.
28m06s CATFIGHT!!!
Somebody steals money FROM THE CHURCH, a couple NITs have to strip down and one is wearing panties WITH FLOWERS ON THEM. Oooo, that naughty girl.
They have a well-trained cat that just meows throughout the whole scene of AsianRasputin (not really Rassy, but looks a hell of a lot like him) meeting with the nuns.
The show-stopping “whipped by roses” scene. Stunningly beautiful.
39m02s and Rasputin is raping a NIT. How did they fit all this depravity in here?
41m22s and one of the nuns in charge (NICs) is masturbating to confiscated pornography.
44m50s and two guys dress as nuns and one rapes (sorta, she actually is kinda looking for a good lay) a NIC. This is played for laughs, though, and totally doesn’t fit the tone of the rest of the film.
Jesus gets a (golden) shower.
49m50s and I think this might be our heroine being punished, because she brought the cross-dressed males into the abbey, but she’s tied with thorny vines (topless, of course) and all the NICs beat her with bouquets of roses. Wait. Did I just type that? Yup. I did. They beat her with roses. It’s quite a beautifully shot scene and is the stand-out in the film.
They had to bring up Nagasaki in a nunsploitation flick? THIS is supposed to be the priests reason for raping bitches?
You got…There’s something…On your upper lip…
WTF?
Now they have a NIC that is hunting witches?
1:10:20 another whipping.The NIT raped by Rasputin-priest is then forced to swallow a ton of salt water and chained to a chair. Scenes of a clock ticking abound. If she pisses on a crucifix bed-pan, she’s a witch. I think we can all see where this is going.
SYMBOLISM!!!
Our heroine desecrates religious idols. (And I immediately want to marry her.)
Do the Japanese celebrate Xmas? There’s a lot of shit revolving around Xmas.
Most retarded final shot in history. Aside from a dorky evil doctor holding a scalpel at the screen.
Rating: 4 1/2 out of 5
Nicely shot with some interesting ideas.
Quarantine: 4 out of 4
Nix Says: So, Mary was fucked by God? I think we all get fucked by God at some point, don’t we?
Very simply, it’s a movie so bad that you have to share it with others. Kind of like having someone smell bad milk that you yourself just inhaled. But much more enjoyable.
Wha?
