Quarantine 5: Satan Gave Me A Massage For This One -School Of The Holy Beast-

Thanks for bearing with me as I attempt to balance real life with getting the site updated. I hope to begin having a reliable, dependable and lots of other words that end in “able” release schedule, soon. Until then, here’s another import from TombofAnubis.com  that shows the Quarantine doesn’t just include terrible movies but some truly bizarre entries, as well.

Oh, and “Warning: NSFW” I guess.

Cover looks totally innocent. Bet it's got a strong Christian message.

School Of The Holy Beast (1974)

Wow. I never expected a “nunsploitation” flick to begin with a hockey game. But, I never expected to find a Japanese “nunsploitation” flick. Do the Japanese even practice Catholicism? Somehow, I doubt it.

But here we are, watching a movie which has the sole purpose to arouse and offend at the same time. I like that. And sexy nuns doing naughty things is a profoundly good idea. The Italians made plenty of flicks that tried to do that, God-fucking-bless them. But making the nuns Asian?? Pure goddamn genius!! Two fantasies fulfilled at one time. (Oh, did I just say that?)

Anyway, some hot little Asian girl parties it up, has sex with some guy and then joins a nun-factory. Why? Ya got me. Let’s just watch perky titties and cute faces be abused and roll with it. Hell, that’s why we (meaning “me”) bought this thing, isn’t it? NO! I bought it so I could review this thing and … umm… Fuck it. I really like seeing Asian chicks half-naked. I’m sick, and I know it. Don’t act like you don’t have that little thing about a bucket of soapy frogs that constantly nags at you, dammit.

I am so proud to be an American, right now.

Anyway, there’s not much of a plot for about the first hour. Just a series of tittilating scenes of Asian nuns getting abused with their shirts off. Did I mention they were Asian? Ok. Just wanted to make that clear.

Eventually, we find out that our heroine came to the lesbian-factory to find out how her mother died.

I know. How does a nun have a child? Well, enter Mr. Rasputin. That’s not his name, but he’s the spitting Asian image of him. He’s the preist that oversees everything.

Sure thing. Just need to step out and legally change my name to “Lord”.

He rapes a Nun In Training (NIT). So, you see what the big reveal is, don’t you? Do I have to spell it out, or have I already ruined your viewing experience? Hell, you would have figured it out on your own. But you just want to see sexy young fake (Asian) nuns getting whipped and touching each other, don’t you? (Shit. That’s just me?)

Plot? Themes? Moral of the story? Bah!

Actually, there are quite a few interesting thoughts that are voiced in this film. Please, allow me to point out some intelligence in what should just be a pseudo-porno for those who are too chicken-shit to rent the real thing:

…in the holy wet t-shirt contest.

1) Questioning “immaculate conception”, getting knocked up without having sex, which is how Jesus was supposed to have been created. One NIT actually says that Mary had to have had a lover and no baby is possible without sex. OMG! Could Mary have been “human”? You’re fucking kidding!

2) The NITs that couldn’t afford to make donations before giving their life to the church are forced to do hard labor and are severely rationed with their food. Hmmm, the Catholic church greedy? No way.

This picture is worth a thousand words. Two of them are "Holy shit"!

3) A NIT has her sister visit and is informed of her father’s ill health. She says she prays every day and her sister replies that prayer doesn’t provide the money for the hospital. Ooooo…Snap!

4) And there are plenty of scenes that point out the hypocrisy of those in power and how they abuse such power.

The movie itself is shot beautifully. Deep blues and reds. I was reminded of Argento’s early works. Painting with film. The acting is good. The camera work is fantastic, as well. Meaning that it’s fluid but not showy.

As a male, I find this offensive. Nasty, dirty nuns!

Here are my spur of the moment reactions:

Japanese guys love eating with vigor at a woman. And they look retarted.

4 minutes in and we get our first tittie shot! Hooray!.

Always have sex while wearing your crucifix, even before you become a nun.

So, new nuns have to go through a nude

As a male, I have no idea what this means. Perhaps she is cleaning between her fingers

welcoming thingie? That’s new.

After showing us a sign that says “Choir Nuns” we get a scene of the High Queen Cumm Loud Emeritus Mother telling our star that the room they’re in is for the Choir Nuns. Redundancy is helpful.

Soooo…Nuns have to sleep in their head-thingies?

10 minutes and 30 seconds in and we’ve got a topless Asian NIT whipping herself! God loves me. Quotable dialogue: “Lord, beat me with a whip.” Then, one NIT says to our newbie: “Suprised? You’ll get used to it. Whenever we feel we’re tempted by sin, we whip ourselves like that. That’s why we have whips.” God fucking loves me. I’ve got to tempt more nuns.

Sounds like a plan.

“An abbey is a place for dropouts from society.” (That’s can actually be kinda true, in some cases.)

I can’t tell who is who in this movie! They all look the same with their head-gear and asian-y faces. Oh, well. Let’s just wait for the inevitable lesbian scene.

19m36s we have 2 topless, Asian NITs forced to whip each other 20 times! And for eating food, as well. This movie rocks!

Hilarity! It’s funny! Guys dressed…as…funny…..hah?

21m17s two Asian NITs laying among the flowers and passionately kissing. This just gets better… Hand up the skirt! Titties! Girl on girl action! Those wacky Japanese just “get it”.

28m06s CATFIGHT!!!

Somebody steals money FROM THE CHURCH, a couple NITs have to strip down and one is wearing panties WITH FLOWERS ON THEM. Oooo, that naughty girl.

They have a well-trained cat that just meows throughout the whole scene of AsianRasputin (not really Rassy, but looks a hell of a lot like him) meeting with the nuns.

The show-stopping “whipped by roses” scene. Stunningly beautiful.

39m02s and Rasputin is raping a NIT. How did they fit all this depravity in here?

41m22s and one of the nuns in charge (NICs) is masturbating to confiscated pornography.

44m50s and two guys dress as nuns and one rapes (sorta, she actually is kinda looking for a good lay) a NIC. This is played for laughs, though, and totally doesn’t fit the tone of the rest of the film.

Jesus gets a (golden) shower.

49m50s and I think this might be our heroine being punished, because she brought the cross-dressed males into the abbey, but she’s tied with thorny vines (topless, of course) and all the NICs beat her with bouquets of roses. Wait. Did I just type that? Yup. I did. They beat her with roses. It’s quite a beautifully shot scene and is the stand-out in the film.

They had to bring up Nagasaki in a nunsploitation flick? THIS is supposed to be the priests reason for raping bitches?

You got…There’s something…On your upper lip…

WTF?

Now they have a NIC that is hunting witches?

1:10:20 another whipping.The NIT raped by Rasputin-priest is then forced to swallow a ton of salt water and chained to a chair. Scenes of a clock ticking abound. If she pisses on a crucifix bed-pan, she’s a witch. I think we can all see where this is going.

SYMBOLISM!!!

Our heroine desecrates religious idols. (And I immediately want to marry her.)

Do the Japanese celebrate Xmas? There’s a lot of shit revolving around Xmas.

Most retarded final shot in history. Aside from a dorky evil doctor holding a scalpel at the screen.

Rating: 4 1/2 out of 5

Nicely shot with some interesting ideas.

Quarantine: 4 out of 4

Nix Says: So, Mary was fucked by God? I think we all get fucked by God at some point, don’t we?


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About Nix

Roo, bitches, roo!
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