Three Trailers For Movies I Wish I Had Time To Watch

As I finish up (meaning: continue to not finish) my review of Luther The Geek, I thought I’d visit some trailers for other movies I would like to watch.

To begin, here’s a trailer about trailers. And it is not by Cracked. It’s by BriTanIck or however they spell it. Hooray for trailers!

Removed, here this the link to a fucking link:… Never mind … Click this…

We’ll begin with The Offspring, an adaptation of a Jack Ketchum’s (not his real name) novel, brought to us by Ghost House Pictures. Yeah, the Sam Raimi outfit that has just continually knocked them out of the park.

Wow. Talk about cutting a whole bunch of disjointed scenes together.

There is no sense of danger, suspense or even horror. As much as the music would like you to think that terrible things are happening, it just kind of lays there. Like a terrible lover.

Ketchum writes things that I wouldn’t necessarily want to see on screen, but the intensity of the delivery is amazing. I own the original (edited) paperback of Off Season, which The Offspring is a sequel to. So I have a deep love for his work. A down and dirty low-budget adaptation is something the material cries out for.

This looks like 6 year olds skimmed through the book and made their interpretation.

Which brings up the question: Why did they make a movie out of the sequel, first? They made a sequel to this movie, which means they made a sequel to a sequel with no original film to tie them together. Good thinking.

Anyway, this just seems like amateur hour.

Keeping with the motif of sequels, we have Alone In The Dark 2, another movie that has no reason to exist.

I’ve watched the Uwe Boll original, many times, for no good reason. Well, except that it’s an amazing display of ineptitude.  Still, I can’t understand why… cancel that… It made money. It had a huge marketing campaign with a pseudo-star and made money. That’s why it gets a direct to video sequel.

What in the fuck is going on? Carnby is Asian, now?  I can’t tell what this “witch” wants. If it’s bad actors (sorry, Lance) she has many options. Why would I want to watch this?

Wait a minute. Maybe this didn’t tell me enough about the actual story. Maybe, if know more, it will help

Yeah, that made it worse. Your big effect is a bright light and half-assed CGI tentacles? “And in PARTICULAR…” we need to re-think this whole idea.

Moving on, it’s more sequels. This one, to an actual good movie, that exists. Piranha never pretended to be anything more than a Jaws ripoff, but it was actually well-written. (Don’t get me wrong. I loved the remake. It never pretended to be anything but bad.) It was a fun movie with good actors and dialogue. It made money, so there had to be a sequel.

I’ve got it. James Cameron is such a good story-teller, isn’t he? You know, the way Billy Zane was wrong about every single thing in Titanic? And how every single character in Avatar was just like every single cliché you would expect in a movie called Dancing With Smurfs?

Piranha 2: The Spawning.

I’m amazed that there is no trailer readily available. What has happened to the TOOBS??

Here’s a clip of one of the many memorable flying piranha attacks. Of which I cannot remember any, except this one.

Okay, so Cameron was fired early and it was an Italian cash-grab by the rights-holders. But this should be as much of a joke as Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. Seriously. Where are you, when I need you, internets?

Some day….I shall watch these….Someday…


About Nix

Dreams are hauntings in our heads.
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