Three Trailers For Movies I Wish I Had Time To Watch

As I finish up (meaning: continue to not finish) my review of Luther The Geek, I thought I’d visit some trailers for other movies I would like to watch.

To begin, here’s a trailer about trailers. And it is not by Cracked. It’s by BriTanIck or however they spell it. Hooray for trailers!

Removed, here this the link to a fucking link:… Never mind … Click this…

We’ll begin with The Offspring, an adaptation of a Jack Ketchum’s (not his real name) novel, brought to us by Ghost House Pictures. Yeah, the Sam Raimi outfit that has just continually knocked them out of the park.


Wow. Talk about cutting a whole bunch of disjointed scenes together.

There is no sense of danger, suspense or even horror. As much as the music would like you to think that terrible things are happening, it just kind of lays there. Like a terrible lover.

Ketchum writes things that I wouldn’t necessarily want to see on screen, but the intensity of the delivery is amazing. I own the original (edited) paperback of Off Season, which The Offspring is a sequel to. So I have a deep love for his work. A down and dirty low-budget adaptation is something the material cries out for.

This looks like 6 year olds skimmed through the book and made their interpretation.

Which brings up the question: Why did they make a movie out of the sequel, first? They made a sequel to this movie, which means they made a sequel to a sequel with no original film to tie them together. Good thinking.

Anyway, this just seems like amateur hour.

Keeping with the motif of sequels, we have Alone In The Dark 2, another movie that has no reason to exist.

I’ve watched the Uwe Boll original, many times, for no good reason. Well, except that it’s an amazing display of ineptitude.  Still, I can’t understand why… cancel that… It made money. It had a huge marketing campaign with a pseudo-star and made money. That’s why it gets a direct to video sequel.

What in the fuck is going on? Carnby is Asian, now?  I can’t tell what this “witch” wants. If it’s bad actors (sorry, Lance) she has many options. Why would I want to watch this?

Wait a minute. Maybe this didn’t tell me enough about the actual story. Maybe, if know more, it will help

Yeah, that made it worse. Your big effect is a bright light and half-assed CGI tentacles? “And in PARTICULAR…” we need to re-think this whole idea.

Moving on, it’s more sequels. This one, to an actual good movie, that exists. Piranha never pretended to be anything more than a Jaws ripoff, but it was actually well-written. (Don’t get me wrong. I loved the remake. It never pretended to be anything but bad.) It was a fun movie with good actors and dialogue. It made money, so there had to be a sequel.

I’ve got it. James Cameron is such a good story-teller, isn’t he? You know, the way Billy Zane was wrong about every single thing in Titanic? And how every single character in Avatar was just like every single cliché you would expect in a movie called Dancing With Smurfs?

Piranha 2: The Spawning.

I’m amazed that there is no trailer readily available. What has happened to the TOOBS??

Here’s a clip of one of the many memorable flying piranha attacks. Of which I cannot remember any, except this one.

Okay, so Cameron was fired early and it was an Italian cash-grab by the rights-holders. But this should be as much of a joke as Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. Seriously. Where are you, when I need you, internets?

Some day….I shall watch these….Someday…

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Quarantine 5: Satan Gave Me A Massage For This One -School Of The Holy Beast-

Thanks for bearing with me as I attempt to balance real life with getting the site updated. I hope to begin having a reliable, dependable and lots of other words that end in “able” release schedule, soon. Until then, here’s another import from TombofAnubis.com  that shows the Quarantine doesn’t just include terrible movies but some truly bizarre entries, as well.

Oh, and “Warning: NSFW” I guess.

Cover looks totally innocent. Bet it's got a strong Christian message.

School Of The Holy Beast (1974)

Wow. I never expected a “nunsploitation” flick to begin with a hockey game. But, I never expected to find a Japanese “nunsploitation” flick. Do the Japanese even practice Catholicism? Somehow, I doubt it.

But here we are, watching a movie which has the sole purpose to arouse and offend at the same time. I like that. And sexy nuns doing naughty things is a profoundly good idea. The Italians made plenty of flicks that tried to do that, God-fucking-bless them. But making the nuns Asian?? Pure goddamn genius!! Two fantasies fulfilled at one time. (Oh, did I just say that?)

Anyway, some hot little Asian girl parties it up, has sex with some guy and then joins a nun-factory. Why? Ya got me. Let’s just watch perky titties and cute faces be abused and roll with it. Hell, that’s why we (meaning “me”) bought this thing, isn’t it? NO! I bought it so I could review this thing and … umm… Fuck it. I really like seeing Asian chicks half-naked. I’m sick, and I know it. Don’t act like you don’t have that little thing about a bucket of soapy frogs that constantly nags at you, dammit.

I am so proud to be an American, right now.

Anyway, there’s not much of a plot for about the first hour. Just a series of tittilating scenes of Asian nuns getting abused with their shirts off. Did I mention they were Asian? Ok. Just wanted to make that clear.

Eventually, we find out that our heroine came to the lesbian-factory to find out how her mother died.

I know. How does a nun have a child? Well, enter Mr. Rasputin. That’s not his name, but he’s the spitting Asian image of him. He’s the preist that oversees everything.

Sure thing. Just need to step out and legally change my name to “Lord”.

He rapes a Nun In Training (NIT). So, you see what the big reveal is, don’t you? Do I have to spell it out, or have I already ruined your viewing experience? Hell, you would have figured it out on your own. But you just want to see sexy young fake (Asian) nuns getting whipped and touching each other, don’t you? (Shit. That’s just me?)

Plot? Themes? Moral of the story? Bah!

Actually, there are quite a few interesting thoughts that are voiced in this film. Please, allow me to point out some intelligence in what should just be a pseudo-porno for those who are too chicken-shit to rent the real thing:

…in the holy wet t-shirt contest.

1) Questioning “immaculate conception”, getting knocked up without having sex, which is how Jesus was supposed to have been created. One NIT actually says that Mary had to have had a lover and no baby is possible without sex. OMG! Could Mary have been “human”? You’re fucking kidding!

2) The NITs that couldn’t afford to make donations before giving their life to the church are forced to do hard labor and are severely rationed with their food. Hmmm, the Catholic church greedy? No way.

This picture is worth a thousand words. Two of them are "Holy shit"!

3) A NIT has her sister visit and is informed of her father’s ill health. She says she prays every day and her sister replies that prayer doesn’t provide the money for the hospital. Ooooo…Snap!

4) And there are plenty of scenes that point out the hypocrisy of those in power and how they abuse such power.

The movie itself is shot beautifully. Deep blues and reds. I was reminded of Argento’s early works. Painting with film. The acting is good. The camera work is fantastic, as well. Meaning that it’s fluid but not showy.

As a male, I find this offensive. Nasty, dirty nuns!

Here are my spur of the moment reactions:

Japanese guys love eating with vigor at a woman. And they look retarted.

4 minutes in and we get our first tittie shot! Hooray!.

Always have sex while wearing your crucifix, even before you become a nun.

So, new nuns have to go through a nude

As a male, I have no idea what this means. Perhaps she is cleaning between her fingers

welcoming thingie? That’s new.

After showing us a sign that says “Choir Nuns” we get a scene of the High Queen Cumm Loud Emeritus Mother telling our star that the room they’re in is for the Choir Nuns. Redundancy is helpful.

Soooo…Nuns have to sleep in their head-thingies?

10 minutes and 30 seconds in and we’ve got a topless Asian NIT whipping herself! God loves me. Quotable dialogue: “Lord, beat me with a whip.” Then, one NIT says to our newbie: “Suprised? You’ll get used to it. Whenever we feel we’re tempted by sin, we whip ourselves like that. That’s why we have whips.” God fucking loves me. I’ve got to tempt more nuns.

Sounds like a plan.

“An abbey is a place for dropouts from society.” (That’s can actually be kinda true, in some cases.)

I can’t tell who is who in this movie! They all look the same with their head-gear and asian-y faces. Oh, well. Let’s just wait for the inevitable lesbian scene.

19m36s we have 2 topless, Asian NITs forced to whip each other 20 times! And for eating food, as well. This movie rocks!

Hilarity! It’s funny! Guys dressed…as…funny…..hah?

21m17s two Asian NITs laying among the flowers and passionately kissing. This just gets better… Hand up the skirt! Titties! Girl on girl action! Those wacky Japanese just “get it”.

28m06s CATFIGHT!!!

Somebody steals money FROM THE CHURCH, a couple NITs have to strip down and one is wearing panties WITH FLOWERS ON THEM. Oooo, that naughty girl.

They have a well-trained cat that just meows throughout the whole scene of AsianRasputin (not really Rassy, but looks a hell of a lot like him) meeting with the nuns.

The show-stopping “whipped by roses” scene. Stunningly beautiful.

39m02s and Rasputin is raping a NIT. How did they fit all this depravity in here?

41m22s and one of the nuns in charge (NICs) is masturbating to confiscated pornography.

44m50s and two guys dress as nuns and one rapes (sorta, she actually is kinda looking for a good lay) a NIC. This is played for laughs, though, and totally doesn’t fit the tone of the rest of the film.

Jesus gets a (golden) shower.

49m50s and I think this might be our heroine being punished, because she brought the cross-dressed males into the abbey, but she’s tied with thorny vines (topless, of course) and all the NICs beat her with bouquets of roses. Wait. Did I just type that? Yup. I did. They beat her with roses. It’s quite a beautifully shot scene and is the stand-out in the film.

They had to bring up Nagasaki in a nunsploitation flick? THIS is supposed to be the priests reason for raping bitches?

You got…There’s something…On your upper lip…

WTF?

Now they have a NIC that is hunting witches?

1:10:20 another whipping.The NIT raped by Rasputin-priest is then forced to swallow a ton of salt water and chained to a chair. Scenes of a clock ticking abound. If she pisses on a crucifix bed-pan, she’s a witch. I think we can all see where this is going.

SYMBOLISM!!!

Our heroine desecrates religious idols. (And I immediately want to marry her.)

Do the Japanese celebrate Xmas? There’s a lot of shit revolving around Xmas.

Most retarded final shot in history. Aside from a dorky evil doctor holding a scalpel at the screen.

Rating: 4 1/2 out of 5

Nicely shot with some interesting ideas.

Quarantine: 4 out of 4

Nix Says: So, Mary was fucked by God? I think we all get fucked by God at some point, don’t we?


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Night of the Dawn of the Day of the Land of the Dead (1968 – 2005)

The sexiest woman alive. Asia Argento. (Click to embiggen)

Why in the hell would I want to take on ALL FOUR (4) of George A. Romero’s best zombie flicks in one (1) sitting? Why the hell do I always type out the word for a number and then put the actual number in parentheses directly after it or vice versa? I have no idea on both counts.

My decision to lump them all together came about while I was dumped by my girlfriend 2 days before Valentine’s Day. Don’t get all weepy on me, bitches. It was basically my fault. So, I had a LOT  of  free time. I wanted something fun and bloody with a good story and acting and production values. So, I searched high and low for my copy of Land of the Dead in my unorganized collection. I ended up finding the other three and pulled them out as a back-up plan, but I finally found the bastard in the darkest and lowest part of my shelving.

So, I was having a great time re-watching Land and started thinking back to when it came out in theaters. Nobody went to see this thing. It died its opening weekend. Does anybody besides me remember when all of the Romero/zombie/ horror fans bitched and moaned for YEARS about how Georgie couldn’t get financing to make a fourth (4th) Dead flick? Yeah, we were pretty passionate about that shit. And when he (and we) finally got the wish fulfilled, we let him hang. We didn’t support him. WTF was that about? I decided to go back in time and see what, exactly, made this movie bomb.

I watched these backwards. I don’t mean that I watched each film in reverse, dammit. I watched them in the wrong order.

The Japanese just make some great fricken posters.

After Land, I hit Day of the Dead (my personal favorite), which was released  to a somewhat similar sort of apathy in 1985, but for obvious reasons. Day is a bleak film where not a lot of zombie action happens and almost all of the characters are unlikable. But there is a method to Romero’s madness, here. A story involving civilians and soldiers hiding in a huge storage mine as the world has died above them and trying to find out how to stop the plague is ripe for angers to flair and a lot of yelling to occur. And it does. Often. But if there was to never be another Dead film, this would have been a fitting end. The world is dead and people still can’t get along. Oh, and when the gore does happen it still blows my fragile little mind. I was eleven (11) when I first saw it back in ‘85 and it holds up to this day.

Never a fan of this poster.

Obviously, next up was Dawn of the Dead (the 1978 version, of course. Screw the “re-imagining“. Only the first 20 minutes was any good.), which most Dead fans consider the pinnacle of the series and Romero’s career. I disagree, obviously, as stated above, but that’s just my opinion. And you’re reading my opinion, so deal with it, you bastards! *ahem* Anyway. Dawn is a lot of fun. It moves quickly, doesn’t hold back on the gore and it continues the story set up in Night very well. (Plus, Goblin contributed music!) The world is getting worse, the zombies are winning and growing in number. Perfect. Our heroes escape and hide in a mall, which was a genius idea for a setting. We’ve still got the whole “If the zombies don’t kill us, we’ll end up killing each other, anyway” thing going down. So what do I have against it? Well, it’s too “fun”, the blood is way too neon  and all that “But the movie comments on consumerism” is bullshit. Just like Night, people read too much into a goddamn zombie flick. There is ONE (1) reference to something like that. “Why are they here?” “It’s something they remember from their past life.” Or something to that effect. That doesn’t scream out “America is too much of a consumerist society!” . It says “People go to malls to shop, cuz that’s where all the shit is.” What if it had been set in a grocery store? Would that mean “America is a food obsessed society!”? WTF, people?

Ok, you could be thinking two things, right now.

First: “Wait. Don’t I remember hearing Romero say something about each film coming out every decade to represent that particular decade, or am I having acid flashbacks?” Well, he did say something along those lines, but I don’t have the actual quote and I don’t remember interpreting his statement in that way, personally. As for your past drug use: Could be. Just Say No, kids!

Second: “When the hell are you going to talk about Land of the Dead, you asshole? Do I have to scroll to the bottom or click a different link or something? Jesus! I thought the whole point of your ranting and raving was to talk about THAT movie, not all these old ones! I am a modern viewer with modern tastes and need CGI FX to enjoy anything.” We’re getting there. Patience, dude.

Original title: Night of Anubis

Ok, the first/final movie on my already over filled plate was the one that started it all. Night of the Living Dead! Not being actually alive in 1968, it’s almost hard to think of how it affected audiences at the time.  Firstly, all you douche-bags that constantly harp on how he cast a black guy in the lead and how it was so revolutionary….Get a grip, you morons. Ever hear of a couple flicks called Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner and In the Heat of the Night? Yeah, both came out in ‘67 and starred *gasp* a black guy in a lead role! Holy shit, my whole belief system is crashing down around me! And considering that NOTLD was a very independent production, unlike the above mentioned, I can only imagine that they’d been out before filming began on Nottludd. Romero has stated he didn’t write the role for a black person, he just thought Duane Jones was the best actor for that part. Fuck off and put a skirt on, you pansies.  Anyway, I’m sure the movie was shocking back then, but it hasn’t even held up for me, over the years. If people bitched about all the yelling in Day, how can they even make it through Night? I think Mike Nelson summed it up best by saying “Interesting acting choice. Start at inexplicable rage and build from there.” Well said, sir.

So, we’ve time traveled. Seen some good sights. Used a lot of curse words and insulted people. That brings us to the present. And by present, I mean 2005, which is technically the past, but the most recent entry in the Dead series. (At the time of this writing, George is working on a new one called Diary of the Dead, but the whole concept of it makes me want to vomit into my own ass, so don’t even expect another mention.)

After Day, which basically established that almost every last asshole in the world was dead and the dead now ruled the earth (so, hey! The assholes finally have full control of the earth! Look! I found my own social commentary in a Romero flick! Where‘s my skirt and panty hose?) , how do you break away from the small group of people trapped in one area arguing with each other? Admittedly, that was his core basis for the past three, but you have to think that even the writer/director would get bored with that, after awhile. I have to say that Romero solved that problem in a genius way.

Should have stopped here, George.

Land is set in a city that is completely bordered on all sides by a river system. So, it’s basically a small island, which makes it easy to keep the zombies (here referred to as “Stenches”, as well) out. Dennis Hopper (Yes! This movie just got even better!) runs the main building and controls the surrounding city. Got money? You can buy yourself a cushy existence in his building. Poor as hell? You live on the outside of the building. The slums. You survive by selling drugs, sex or whatever. OR you work for Hopper. Taking out bodies or going into the surrounding dead towns to acquire supplies to keep Hopper and his rich friends going.

Our heroes work for Dennis and drive a ginormous vehicle called Dead Reckoning (The original title of the script, btw. Yay! I’m a horror geek! I know pointless shit! Where’s my high-heeled shoes?) It’s like a big-ass tank-ish sorta thing with rocket launchers and gun ports and….It’s a big fucking vehicle, dammit. Ya gotta see this thing. It’s cool as shit. One of the guys has been doing extra side-jobs for Hopper and earning money, thinking he’s going to be able to move into the building. He’s played by John Leguizamo, which is also a cool factor for the film. Well, Hopper tries to off him, Johnny steals Dead Reckoning and threatens to blow the shit out of the city if he doesn’t get his money. Hopper sends the leader of the team, his #1 and a hooker the leader saved (My childhood sweetheart, Asia Argento. Jesus, this movie is loaded to the gills with anti-suck. And unlike XXX, which somehow managed to make her look like shit, she’s smoking hot in this flick.) to take out Leguizamo and bring the rig back.

Meanwhile, the zombies are getting smarter. Using weapons, communicating and working together to get into the city.

Chaos and violence ensues.

I had a blast with this movie. Saw it opening weekend, the following weekend and caught the one-night-only screening of the unrated cut.

Sure, there are flaws. What the hell good is money outside of the damn city? And how is money generated inside the building? The only jobs I could think of were mopping the floors and keeping shit running or being a cop, or whatever. But they’re unimportant quibbles when you‘re supposed to be focusing on the characters. And the characters are interesting enough to carry the premise. Also, CGI pops up occasionally to ruin the fun.

So, back to my initial question. Why didn’t anyone go see this damn thing? It has so much going for it. Great cast. Great premise. Great story. Top notch FX. Did I mention Asia Argento was in it?

What went wrong?

Some people point to the fact that there was some big-ass movie that was playing at the same time. I can’t remember what it was and have no desire to do the required research to find out. Besides, it shouldn’t matter. The amount of fans of George AND just zombie films, combined, should have guaranteed a respectable box office score. Where was everyone? Why didn’t they show?

Perhaps no one wanted a serious look at zombies, for one. The new Dawn and Shaun proved that. But their popularity was part of what made THIS film possible. Zombie flicks were HUGE! That really shouldn’t have stopped this from succeeding. Does anyone have any  ideas? Email me. I had an idea when I first popped it in and then proceeded to go back in time, but I forgot what it was. A break-up, a four (4) movie marathon and a Thirty (30) pack of beer can do that to you. Hell, I could find a cure for cancer and then a break-up, a four (4) movie marathon and a thirty (30) pack of beer could make me forget THAT.

Nix says: Bitch, moan and whine all you want, but when you get what you asked for, have the goddamn decency to support it, assholes. Oh, wait. You assholes are gonna rule the world when there’s no more room in hell. Forget I insulted you.

Ratings: Night:3 Dawn: 4 Day: 5 Land: 5

Hopeless: Night: 2 Dawn: 4 Day: 3 Land: 4

Posted in Endless October 2010, Things I've Seen | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Quarantine 4: What Is Science Doing There? -The Last Slumber Party-

This is it. This is the one that started the Bad Movie Virus. It’s weird, too, cuz if you do a Google image search for “The Last Slumber Party” you also get the cover for Evil Laugh, which I had sat through before this one. Someday I may return to this flick and do it properly, but I think it’s kind of a fun read as it is. (I had some formatting problems in moving it to this site, though.)

Anyway, this “review” really sums up how a truly terrible movie can affect a viewer. It drives them insane. After being exposed to this film, myself and a friend began to spread it amongst others. Enjoy.

 

Gotta admit...They knew how to sell it.

The Last Slumber Party (1987)

Oh, Jesus. I didn’t think it was possible, but here’s a film even worse than Evil Laugh.
The Last Slumber Party is brought to us by a Mr. Stephen Tyler, whose only other credit is directing and writing (as he does here) something called “Zipper and Tits”. I don’t even want to know.

I’d like to begin my evisceration of this…thing, by commenting on the cover. Ok, we’ve got a blond and two brunettes wearing skimpy lingerie while the blonde has her neck slit. Sure, I can get into that. Hot chicks running around half-naked while being killed is a great idea for a movie. Let’s watch that!!!

 

I am in your debt, sir.

Sorry, we won’t be watching that movie. That movie that just flashed through your head is not contained on this disc. No. What we have here is something spawned from the pits of hell. That’s right. It’s the Devil’s movie.

The movie wastes no time in sucking. We get our shitty 80’s metal song (Which, admittedly, is better than the music in Evil Laugh. I’ll give this flick

Energy conservation is very important!

that, at least. But I’m pretty sure it’s going to be the last thing.), over-exposed film and slow-motion all at once.

Some patient at a hospital is stealing surgical scrubs and a scalpel. He menaces a hand that pokes through the door and turns out the light. Damn, I’m already scared. Random hands that are   stared at always give me the chills.

Ok, now some random girl is menaced

Are you scared?

by our loony. And, holy shit. If just staring into the camera and holding a scalpel at someone is the best this movie can do, we’re in for real trouble.

One thing I learned: The best way to hit on a girl is to throw a wad of paper at her head. She’ll grin and think it’s cute.

I’d tell you about the plot, but there isn’t one, yet. Some kids are in school. Yeah. It’s that thrilling.

 

Ah, yes. The silent flashback.

I guess this next 3 minutes of bland chatter is supposed to be character development, but I only realize one thing. Kill these bitches. They’re annoying. I guess they’re planning the titular slumber party, or something.

Ok, you’ve got to be kidding. 2 chicks are talking to each other on the phone, but when you hear the other side of the conversation it’s quite fucking obvious

How about now? Scared?

that she’s actually standing in the same room. Agh!

Movie, stop beating me about the head with your retardedness. I, seriously, have no idea how to explain what’s happening. There is no fucking plot, here. I don’t even think there’s a script, for fucks’ sake.

Remember that tantalizing cover? Well, our movie has just shit all over our

Feeling chills, yet?

expectations. There is no skimpy lingerie, here. We get t-shirts and shit.

Yeah, you don’t wanna forget to throw in an extensive shower scene that shows nothing, as well. That helps.

Brain…oozing…out of….head. Time…dragging. Somebody kill me.

This is the stupidest dream sequence I’ve ever witnessed. Good god, I’ve got

There is one frightening image in this shot. And it has a moustache.

better things to do. There’s that garbage disposal that really needs my hand placed in it. And I’ve got the whole hydrochloric acid to gargle with.

And she walks into another movie. And another. And the acting gets progressively worse and she’s in a totally different movie, again. And I pull out my knife and seriously consider ending it all.

Holy shit, they just played a clip from Forever Evil. When you’re resorting to

Yes, it's Forever Evil.

showing a clip from Forever Evil, your movie is in serious trouble. I can’t believe I just witnessed that.

Soooooo…..You just found your friends dead and you hear something in the closet. Do you run? No no no. You simply ask who it is and say “Please” a lot. Makes total sense.

Mold grows on my beer can, glaciers are formed and melt, new gods are created

The more you see it, the scarier it gets.

and massive wars are waged as this movie crawls and crawls along OH FUCK ME, JESUS I’M DYING!!!!!!

Just what the hell is going on, here? Please, please make it end.

AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Hey! It's Bigfoot!

You’re fucking kidding me. What the shit is this? It’s all a goddamn dream? I hate you, movie!! I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

WTF? How can this movie be starting all over again??? I’m in hell. I’m burning in fucking hell!!!

I’m sorry if that was one of the most confusing things I’ve ever written. That

More and more terrifying.

is the power of this film. It will actually drive you bat-shit insane.

Rating: 0 out of 5

Terrible acting, no script or plot to speak of. Ridiculous twists, awful camera work. How am I still alive?

Virus Contagion Level: 4 out of 4

Nix says: All the ingredients are there,

So utterly frightening that it's in the closing credits. Awww, and the director played the maniac? How cute.

but it is such an atrocity, that unless you are a seasoned veteran of viewing awful shit, approach this one with caution. But if you think it’s fun to yell and scream in pain, jump on in!

Posted in Endless October 2010, Quarantine | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Your Suckiness Will Be Legendary -Hellraiser: Hellworld-

Hellraiser: Revolutions!

Hellraiser: Hellworld (2003-2005)

I am (was) a huge fan of the Hellraiser series. I caught the first as soon as it was on VHS and it became one of my favorites to rent over and over. I liked Hellbound even more and even enjoyed Hell On Earth’s goofy charm. Oblivion, not so much, but before the studio interference I’m sure it was an interesting idea. Finally, When the straight to video years of the franchise hit, I kinda just lost interest. However I did find a used copy of Inferno and really liked the direction they took. A lot of people rag on it, but it was well acted and the story ended up being quite interesting.

And that brings us to our focus for today. Forced upon me by one of my fellow reviewers, I had to spend hours upon hours with part 8 (!): Hellworld.

Now, according to IMDB.com, this movie was released in 2005. However, if you read the copyright at the end of the credits on the actual film you’ll see the date 2003. Hmmm….That’s promising.

OH! This film is brought to us by the same idiot that brought us Hellseeker and Deader. We, my friends, are truly in for a treat.

Here’s more proof that the studio knew that millions of people would flock to their video shoppes to pick this baby up: The two trailers before the film are Mindhunters and Scary Movie 3.5. Impressive.

The movie begins with some half naked dude digging a hole in a basement. That makes sense, I guess. I mean Cenobites live underground and shit, don’t they? Wait. That’s Tremors. My bad.

With no explanation, we are now voyeurs at the smallest attended funeral I’ve ever seen. There’s, like, 10 people spread throughout the pews. And I think 4 of them are actually nuns with nothing better to do. But it does serve the purpose of introducing us to our 5 leads. There’s Chelsea (bitch), Alison (bigger bitch), Derrick (token black guy, who is a dick), Mike (total dick) and Jake (this guy can actually act, so he’s probably not a dick). They’re all present and comprising half of the attendees to say farewell to their friend Adam (could possibly have been a dick, but he’s already dead, so who knows). I suppose Adam was the half naked dude at the beginning, but the movie really doesn’t care to tell us, or not.

According to their vague conversation, this group of friends was addicted to “Hellworld”. Is that some form of super-crack, or something? No. It’s some sort of on-line Hellraiser-based game or something. Anyway, this is what caused Adam to not show the audience whether he was a dick, or not. And Jake doesn’t appear to think too highly of his former friends.

Finally, the movie gives us what we’ve been waiting for: a dream sequence. Good god. Hellraiser isn’t about dream sequences. That’s that other franchise. A Bad Comedian On A Street Named After A Common Type Of Tree, or whatever. And it’s a lame ass obvious dream sequence, at that.

At some undisclosed later date, bitch and total dick are on a website advertising a Hellraiser party at Leviathan House? And you solve the puzzle box by clicking three (3) points on the box? It’s that fucking easy? Token black dick and bigger bitch are somewhere else on the same site. And bigger bitch says “Holy Sugar”. What, this is rated R, isn’t it? Is that supposed to make her character “quirky” or “cute”?

A wonderful driving montage establishes that the sun is in fact going down as they travel together to said party. So, when they arrive at the Leviathan House it’s night. Thank you, movie.

At least the song playing before they get into the house is by “Celldweller”. 0.01 points for our movie. But then it’s generic crap when they get inside. I’ll let that slide.

Lance looks as tired as the premise for this series.

Oooo, lookee! It’s Lance fucking Henriksen! No points, though, as he’ll sign on for any direct to video crap nowadays.

Checking out Lances’ collection of Hellraiser knicks and knacks, everyone starts doing stupid shit. Just helping themselves to pick up, play with, tap on, smudge, spray stuff without even asking if it‘s ok. I hate these fuckers.

Well, here’s a remix of “Celldweller”. Movie, you’ve earned 0.02 points. Good one! Keep trying and you could end up with a couple more!

-0.01 point because as I watch them walk around this house, being told the history behind it, I realized something: for a group of douche-hats who claim to be such Hellraiser geeks, they have been and are continuing to be fucking disrespectful shits. Well, except for Jake. He’s the only sympathetic one.

Everyone is given a mask with a number on it and a cell phone, so you can call whoever you would like to hook up with. Oh, and that sets us up for a classic and yet fresh take on “Can you hear me now”? Oh, movie! You’re so topical and up to date on what the young-uns are into, these days!

And hey! “Celldweller” is back! Back to 0.02 points, movie. “Never give up!” is this movies’ motto!

All of the other party goers seem to be having SUCH a great time. Vaguely moving their hands about and sort of bobbing up and down to, what I can only assume, was music that wasn’t even playing as they shot their scenes, as no one seems to have any rhythm

And we reach our first kill. Hmm, here’s an old chair with clamps to lock a person into it. I think I’ll have a seat! What’s that? A clamp just locked onto my right hand? Whatever shall I do? Perhaps move my left hand and legs away from the other clamping mechanisms that have not moved? Ehhhh, no. I’ll just pant and struggle as they take their time to completely trap me in this chair of doom.

And the “quirky cute” bigger bitch isn’t even killed by Pinhead or any other random Cenobite. Nice one, movie. I paid (*ahem* was given a copy, sorta) to see a Hellraiser movie, not Saw IV. Oh, but he shows up towards the end of her death to bestow upon us a “deep” one-liner. GODDAMMIT!

Boobies and simulated sex! For that, movie, you are now up to a score of 0.04!

Oh, no! Dick-ass token black dick has dropped his inhaler amongst the dancing fools as he has an asthma attack! Surely he will die without it! So now he must leave the crowd to find it in the what? Yes, the basement.

Simulated blow-job! Yes, movie! That’s now 0.05. You are on a fucking roll!

I am so relieved that TBD got to his inhaler in the nick of time. Was really getting worried. So, he’ll just relax on this gurney for a bit. But wait! What’s this? An actual kill by Pinhead? Are you serious? Agh! He cut off his head with a big-ass cleaver. Is that a typical Cenobite kill? Isn’t there suppose to be, you know, suffering and all that? Chains, at least? Now he’s from that movie Mongoloid-Boys’ Birthday On An Unluckily Numbered Day? That’s it, movie. You asked for this. 0.03, bitch. (I didn’t knock you back to 0.02, because I must admit that it was a nicely executed decapitation. But you’re treading on thin ice, mister.)

Meanwhile, Lance keeps digging graves outside. I’m sure this has nothing to do with the lack of Cenobite action and he’s just taking precautions in case of… I dunno… needing storage for some left over cadavers from the previous owners, or something.

Boobies part 2! But not as impressive, so only up to 0.04, buddy. Well, you went the extra mile and tacked on some more simulated sex, so you’ve earned your 0.05, again. Don’t fuck it up.

Ok, half naked guy is back. Digging a hole in a dream sequence. Some rattling chains and Pinhead and… nothing. *sigh*

Same boobie shot doesn’t count, movie. You’re just padding time. No points for you!

New, fresh boobies! And very nice! 0.07. Good job!

Alright! Total dick is about to get it! Now, his death is closer to a true Hellraiser scene. Some new-ish Cenobite (I guess he’d be Straps-on-my-face-obite) activates a huge hook and chain contraption and impales him on it. Pinhead shows up again to speak a pointless one-liner. So, we’ll say 0.10. Very impressive, but a long way to go.

Hehehe, bitch can’t get her truck started, so Lance pops up and says “Like a bad horror movie, isn’t it?”. Um, well, this IS a bad horror movie, you fucking retarded writers! You’re just asking for anyone reviewing this to point that stupid fact out. Whatever.

Finally, the mystery of the half naked dude digging a hole: actually the dead Adam, and how he died. Actually, we just find out that he doused himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. Which does abso-fucking-lutely nothing to explain the digging of the hole. Hell, I could immolate myself in the bathroom, the backyard, or the bedroom and not require one bit of hole digging.

Pinhead scores another, but it was a spike through the head, mouth type thing. Not very Hellraiser-ish. But no points lost or gained.

So, now the “real” Chatterer shows up, but Chelsea is only pursued by her re-animated friends. And they haven’t been turned into cool Cenobites like Camera-head or CD-head from H3. They’re just sorta zombies with basic alterations like staples and shit. Fuck you, movie.

I’m already tired of these shenanigans. I pretty much figured out what was going on a little before an hour was up. The rest of this crap-fest is to explain everything that’s been going on. Unfortunately, it doesn’t explain why Dimension thought that this was the proper way to continue the Hellraiser mythology.

Ok, I’ll say this about what I just witnessed. It was shot very well.  Director Bota obviously took notes when he was cinematographer on House on Haunted Hill (a movie I really liked), as he lights, shoots and edits everything almost exactly the same.

Other than that, everything else is the absolute shitters. And it all starts with a poorly written script that has almost nothing to do with, you know, Hellraiser. Sure the party and game are based on the idea that it existed as a story/movie/game, but if you change that out with some original horror theme, you’d have a standalone film. It’s pointless. The movie even goes to lengths to state that none of the kills featuring Cenobites actually happened, because “Hellworld” or whatever isn’t real. Then the movie negates every goddamn thing it just spent setting up with an actual real Cenobite kill. With the worst Pinhead one-liner yet (“How’s that for a wake up call?”) and then throws out one more stupid dream sequence type scare. Fuck fuckity fucking FUCK!!!! (For the record all his other lines are pretty much “Adam was right.” “Do you believe Adam, yet Jake?” “This is just the beginning.”)

And the homage/rip-off of the coffin scene in The Gates of Hell was pitifully shot and cut. No suspense at all.

Rating: 1 1/2

Nix Says: Not enough blood, interesting action or story to keep it interesting but it’s shot well . You have the rights to some of the most menacing and frightening horror images in history and you abandon them for a stupid revenge tale? Fuck you, movie.

Posted in Endless October 2010, Things I've Seen | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Quarantine 3:Just Add Baio -Evil Laugh-

 

That woman is not in the movie.

Evil Laugh (1988)

1988.

I give an evil laugh at that date. This thing was obviously filmed at least 4 years before that. (And after doing some research, I was right.)

Here’s a little background, before we get started:

Directed by Dominick Brascia.

Never heard of him? Obviously you are not a Friday the 13th fan, my friend. Bracia was the adorable, yet annoying kid that got killed near the beginning of F13 pt.5. You know. The one who foolishly offered his chocolate bar to the angry guy (Who was in Return of the Living Dead) that was cutting wood.

Bracia was taking acting lessons and ran into STEVEN BAIO in said class. Eventually they decided to make a movie, with STEVEN BAIO producing and acting.

They shot it for $100,000 and it actually did play theaters. So, congrats, guys.

The movie: Whoo. Here we go….

A nervous man with a bad toupee flits about the yard of a house with really bad graffiti MAGIC-MARKERED on the “For Lease” sign. The ingenious graffiti says: “Stay Away”.

 

Vandalism on a budget.

 

Toupee guy is scared by a hand that touches his shoulder. And here is the best actor in the film: The stoner delivery guy.

Toupee over-acts like you wouldn’t believe when Stoner-guy explains why he’s here (to deliver the groceries for the new tenant), nearly shouting “Well don’t give them to me! Put the supplies in the kitchen!” Seriously, he acts like he’s allergic to food, or something. And the delivery guy just kinda looks around randomly.

The histrionics of the realtor and the dazed reaction of the delivery guy are unintentional comedy gold. (Nix of the future: I have to say, this is the most entertaining scene in the whole movie. The hysterics of the toupee nicely shows how much better an actor the stoner is. Perhaps they really just hired an actual burnout, but he’s Paul Newman compared to the realtor. I must have watched this 60 second exchange 20 times and laughed my ass off each and every time. I know. It’s pitiful, but once you see this film, you’ll understand why I took what little entertainment I could get.)

 

The best actor in the movie. Cherish every moment you have with him.

 

Now we get our plot. A young man arrives and talks with the living toupee. He’s a med student who wants to buy the abandoned place. The toupee leaves, and Med boy checks out his food products. He begins yelling and bitching about how there’s no cow heart or liver and he is promptly attacked. He’s knifed to death (very lamely, btw) and has his heart put into a bowl (and the heart is steaming!)

Start the credits, movie. And don’t forget to include a bland, yet terrible 80’s song about being overworked and needing a break, or something.

Oh, god, here come the rest of the cast. We’ve got 2 jock types, including STEVEN BAIO! These two have their shirts off, so we can admire how buff they are as they excitingly change a tire. And we also meet the “nerd”, who just so happens to be reading a copy of “Fangoria” with F13 pt5 on the cover. Yes. They went there.

After the show-stopping “finishing changing the tire” scene, STEVEN BAIO states that he has to “drain the lizard”. Did we really talk like this in the 80’s? If I’m gonna call my privates something, I doubt it would be a scaly, cold blooded creature. Anyway, he pisses on a napping biker couple (Funny! Or not.) And there’s our introduction to the future male corpses.

 

SEE!!! Stephen Baio Urinate on people.

 

And here come the girls. Hey, we’ve got the sensible girl, who is brunette, of course. And the ditsy, bubbly blond. Imagine that. (She’s a med student? WTF?) Oh, and I get the feeling that the blond is NOT acting. I found myself tuning out her delivery and admiring the superior acting ability of her nipples poking through her shirt.

Oh, I forgot about the rich, snotty girl and guy. No bad horror flick would be complete without them, right? And this girl is also, blond, but as she seems to have some sort of human intelligence, she’s actually attractive. (Time-traveling Nix: It gets better. She eventually gets tied up on the bed. Oh, sorry.)

We finally get back to some good acting when we find out where the hell the delivery guy disappeared to. He’s tied to a chair in a basement. And our “mysterious” killer gets a drill and laughs. About that laugh: It doesn’t sound evil, at all. It sounds like a retarded person getting tickled. (Nix 2 Hours From Now: But any scene with the stoner-guy is 100 times better than anything else in this “movie”, so enjoy while you can!)

So, all of our wonderful characters have shown up to help…oh, yeah…Jerry, who we know has already been slaughtered. But, but..look at that! His car is still there!!!

This begins one of numerous. And I really, really mean NUMEROUS conversations that go like this:
“I wonder where Jerry is?”
“Oh, it’s a big house. We’ll run into him.”
or
“He probably needed supplies from town.”
“But his car is still outside.”
“He probably just decided to walk.”
or, after his car disappears
“He probably forgot something at the school.”

You get the picture.

Anyway, all the kids get ready to clean the house.

It was this sequence that made my eyes bulge, mouth drop and cigarette burn down to my fingers. They put on a very BAD 80’s song about “partying all night long” and begin to DANCE AROUND THE HOUSE WITH FEATHER-DUSTERS WHILE SMILING LIKE IDIOTS!!!! What the?? I was so stunned, I couldn’t even laugh. It included close ups of shaking butts, but it was in no way sexy (Unless you’re Bi or something.), because you couldn’t tell if said butt was male or female!!! (It was at this point that I started screaming: “Hey! Let’s talk about where Jerry could be! Please!!!!”)

 

Share in my pain.

 

What about that heart? They mistake it for a cow heart and eat it. Hope I didn’t spoil the movie for you.

So then we find out about crazy Martin who was falsely accused…blah blah blah…died in a fire, or maybe not… blah blah blah. You know the drill.

Everyone dies the most bland of deaths and the gore is minimal. There’s even a death by microwave that was incredibly ridiculous. STEVEN BAIO even tells the killer that you can’t turn on a microwave with the door open, but IT STILL WORKS!!

 

Hmm..Pizza 1 minute, Soup 3 minutes, Baio 8 minutes or until dead.

 

Oh, and the realtor has a blade shoved into his groin that actually comes out his ass. Seriously. And it’s not as funny or cool as what you’re seeing in your head.

 

Yes. It's exactly what it looks like.

 

 

The new "improved" cover.

 

Now, the cover says: “Friday the 13th meets The Big Chill” according to Teen Set.

The synopsis for The Big Chill at the IMDB says this: “A seminal Thirty-Something movie in which a group of old college friends who are now all grown up and hardened by the big wide world come together for the funeral of Alex, a barely glimpsed corpse, who was at one time the brightest and the best of them, and yet who never managed to achieve half as much as any of the others. The friends use the occasion to reacquaint themselves with each other and to speculate as to what happened to their idealism which had been abundant when they were younger.”

All I see in Evil Laugh is a bunch of bad actors talking about nothing, besides where the hell Jerry could be.

But F-13 eventually had the killer wear a mask, right? So this killer does, as well. But WTF kind of mask is it? I don’t know. It looks like a mexican wrestling mask.

 

Jesus fucking Christ.

 

And if you’re going to rip off Friday the 13th you might as well go all out and make the killer a pissed off mama! Oh, did I give the big “mystery” away? Sorry. But I’ve just saved some of you 90 minutes of your life. The burning question of who the killer is has been answered. So, if you’d like to send me the 3 bucks you would have spent on this piece of shit as thanks, I wouldn’t refuse.

The best thing was Barney. The aforementioned Fango reader. He predates Scream by telling a friend not to have sex because people that do in horror films die. That was refreshing. (Up yours, Williamson!) This movie should have just been Barney and the Stoner sitting back and watching all the “cool” kids do their thing. Meaning, walk around looking good and dying well-deserved deaths.

So, yeah. It was entertaining in a “so bad it’s good” way. But I don’t think I’d ever do it again.

Rating: 2 out of 5

Nix Says: Thanks STEVEN BAIO! Thank you so much for having shaking-butts shoved in my face.

Virus Contagion Level: 4 out of 4

Break out the beer and ridicule the shit out of this thing. Hey, you could even get up and dance along with the actors, hand out feather-dusters and wear tight, horrible 80’s shorts.

Posted in Endless October 2010, Quarantine | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

And, Please…No Spitting During The Film -Rob Zombie’s Halloween-

 

Yeah. It's destined to suck.

 

10/17/10

Rob Zombie’s Halloween (2007)

After seeing Devil’s Rejects, which I loved, I thought Zombie might be growing as an artist and would actually become a good, if not great, horror director. Well, he killed all the good will I had for him with this absolute piece of shit. SHIT, I tell you.

I don’t know how and my mind can’t work out any answers, but he ruined every last thing in this film. Nothing, NOTHING works! It’s a huge, disjointed and non-sensical mess. Myself and others in the theater were laughing at things that were not intended to be funny. That’s the ultimate sin in a horror flick.

I was willing to give this a shot. I didn’t expect Zombie to ape Carpenter and make a good flick, but I did expect him to do his own thing while still remaining true to the characters and situations Carpenter created.

First and foremost: The opening 45 minutes ruined everything we’ve ever loved about Halloween. It’s ok to give us peeks into little Mikey, but when we have to listen to some of the most atrocious and stereotypical red-neck dialogue for an excessive amount of time and expect all of this to really make us understand why he became what he is….that’s a lot to expect us to swallow.

 

Anything for a paycheck, eh Malcolm?

 

Seriously. Sherri Moon Star Creature, or what the hell ever, ended up being the best actor in the whole intro. And that’s saying so much, when she almost dragged Devil’s Rejects down. Even Donald Pl…err…Malcolm Macdowell sucked in this part of the film (not that he stopped sucking after this.).

I know some people saw the pics of little Mikey and thought he looked so creepy and might help. Sorry. Not a chance. I don’t know if it’s Rob’s directing or the kid just can’t act, but he’s awful. It doesn’t help that he has some badly written scenes to act out. Such as when he’s always wearing these stupid masks because “he’s ugly” or something.

What? THAT’S the explanation for why he wears masks, now? Because he feels ugly? I dunno, maybe it’s supposed to delve into his psyche and let us know that when he does the terrible things he does, he’s a different “ugly” person and wants to hide that part of himself from the rest of the world.

 

Let's see...take brat trick or treating or shake my potatoes to pay bills.

 

Fine. That would be great if the script actually delved into that. Maybe innocent Mikey is still in there, but all we get is the song “Love Hurts” as he’s not able to trick or treat as his mom is stripping at the club. Cry me a river of blood, you little brat. It was painful to watch that scene.

So, basically, Zombie has shown us that Mikey had a bad childhood. So what? He was killing little animals before we even see half of this. And I can name at least 10 people I grew up with that had bad childhoods like this. Did they become random killers? Not as far as I know. If this was Zombie’s big personal addition to the movie it’s his biggest failure. Nobody cares about this ridiculous and hilariously bad “prequel” part of the movie. It’s terrible.

But what about after all of this stupid and pointless back-story that every studio wants to give to our iconic horror characters?

 

Every person in this picture deserves a punch to the face-hole.

 

It’s more shit.

Michael never had motivation in the first film, he just seemed to be there and personifying evil. Hell, even when Carpenter was directing the actor playing The Shape, the actor asked him what his motivation was in a scene. Carpenter’s response? “Just walk”.

NOW, he’s coming back for his sister, Laurie Strode.

I can roll with that. Carpenter came up with that idea when he put together part 2 (with the help of a six-pack, btw).

HOWEVER…. (and sorry for all the caps, but this movie offends me) Mike tends to show up where Laurie has been right after she leaves. So he just kills everyone there, instead of trying to keep up with her. When he finally gets to the house she’s at, a friend of hers leaves the house and hops in the car with her boyfriend. Does Michael go on into the house where Laurie is still located? Hell no! He’s gonna follow those kids that don’t even matter! What in the goddamn hell is that about?

Oh, wait! I know. Michael seems to have some kind of Strode-ar ©and is able to know what his baby sister looks like all grown up and knows where she is going and…..I’m being serious. He has Strode-ar ©. Let me explain how this works to his favor: He kills the boyfriend of Laurie’s friend and attacks the friend. Somehow, he knew Laurie would have to return the small child she was watching as a favor to her friend to that house. So….He laid a trap for her. Left her friend bleeding and hurt inside the front door, knowing Laurie would show up, find her and then stay there to make phone calls. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Not only that, but when he returns to his abandoned house, he goes up to the attic and starts pulling up the floorboards. I groaned as I knew what was coming. He’d actually hidden the mask and the knife he used as a child under them. How? He kills his family, goes to get his baby sister and then had time to pry up the boards and carefully nail them back in place so no one would notice and then be back on the front porch when his mom pulls up?

AAGGGGGHHHHHH! Zombie, you’re an idiot, shitty writer.

 

I couldn't tell you who any of these bitches are.

 

And, btw, here’s another reason why the second part of the film doesn’t work. Zombie took a 92 minute film and crammed it into about an hour or less. Therefore, you don’t get to know any of the characters. Not even Laurie, who you’re supposed to be rooting for. She’s just a bland chick that didn’t show her tits.

And there are a lot of tits in this movie. Is it misogynistic? I dunno. Most of the early slashers focused on girls and nudity and pre-marital sex. I only asked because someone brought that up to me. It’s something to think about, I guess. And it’s the only thing to think about. No one’s going to be thinking about the hows and whys of little Mikey. None of that fucking matters.

“But, Nix! Titties and blood, right? You like that stuff, don’t you? Doesn’t this movie therefore deliver?”

Well, yeah. It gives you all of those wonderful horror-y things. But it all happens in the stupidest script this side of Uwe Boll’s Alone In The Dark. And I hated that movie!

IF this movie was not called Halloween. And IF the first 45 minutes of hillbilly bullshit were cut and we could just focus on a masked killer stalking some hot bitches, THAT would be an ok flick.

But it’s not. It’s supposed to be Halloween. And it isn’t.

I’ve been beating this movie to death, so let me tell you the good things: The kills are pretty brutal. That’s it. That’s all you’re going to get from me.

The acting, directing, writing, camera work, music….Everything is wrong.

Maybe I DO know how Zombie managed to get everything wrong, after all. It’s as if he said to himself, “Hmm, I need to make this my own. I KNOW! I’ll do everything opposite of how Carpenter did it! Because he doesn’t know shit!” And by doing that, Zombie killed every moment of suspense or “horror” or “terror” that should be so easy to put into this story.

 

File under: Things that worked better in a Halloween movie than rednecks.

 

What a missed opportunity to finally create a good remake.

Rob, come up with your own ideas, sketch them out and let someone else write it. You can direct it, buddy, but stay the fuck away from writing. You don’t know what you’re doing.

Rating: ½ out of 5 (for the kills and boobies)

Nix says: Avoid this thing. It will melt your eyes and definitely your ears, as well. (It’s retardedly loud.)

Posted in Endless October 2010 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment