Your Suckiness Will Be Legendary -Hellraiser: Hellworld-

Hellraiser: Revolutions!

Hellraiser: Hellworld (2003-2005)

I am (was) a huge fan of the Hellraiser series. I caught the first as soon as it was on VHS and it became one of my favorites to rent over and over. I liked Hellbound even more and even enjoyed Hell On Earth’s goofy charm. Oblivion, not so much, but before the studio interference I’m sure it was an interesting idea. Finally, When the straight to video years of the franchise hit, I kinda just lost interest. However I did find a used copy of Inferno and really liked the direction they took. A lot of people rag on it, but it was well acted and the story ended up being quite interesting.

And that brings us to our focus for today. Forced upon me by one of my fellow reviewers, I had to spend hours upon hours with part 8 (!): Hellworld.

Now, according to IMDB.com, this movie was released in 2005. However, if you read the copyright at the end of the credits on the actual film you’ll see the date 2003. Hmmm….That’s promising.

The movie begins with some half naked dude digging a hole in a basement. That makes sense, I guess. I mean Cenobites live underground and shit, don’t they? Wait. That’s Tremors. My bad.

With no explanation, we are now voyeurs at the smallest attended funeral I’ve ever seen. There’s, like, 10 people spread throughout the pews. And I think 4 of them are actually nuns with nothing better to do. But it does serve the purpose of introducing us to our 5 leads. There’s Chelsea (bitch), Alison (bigger bitch), Derrick (token black guy, who is a dick), Mike (total dick) and Jake (this guy can actually act, so he’s probably not a dick). They’re all present and comprising half of the attendees to say farewell to their friend Adam (could possibly have been a dick, but he’s already dead, so who knows). I suppose Adam was the half naked dude at the beginning, but the movie really doesn’t care to tell us, or not.

According to their vague conversation, this group of friends was addicted to “Hellworld”. Is that some form of super-crack, or something? No. It’s some sort of on-line Hellraiser-based game or something. Anyway, this is what caused Adam to not show the audience whether he was a dick, or not. And Jake doesn’t appear to think too highly of his former friends.

Finally, the movie gives us what we’ve been waiting for: a dream sequence. Good god. Hellraiser isn’t about dream sequences. That’s that other franchise. A Bad Comedian On A Street Named After A Common Type Of Tree, or whatever. And it’s a lame ass obvious dream sequence, at that.

At some undisclosed later date, Bitch and Total Dick are on a website advertising a Hellraiser party at Leviathan House? And you solve the puzzle box by clicking three (3) points on the box? It’s that fucking easy? Token Black Dick and Bigger Bitch are somewhere else on the same site. And Bigger Bitch says “Holy Sugar”. What, this is rated R, isn’t it? Is that supposed to make her character “quirky” or “cute”?

A wonderful driving montage establishes that the sun is in fact going down as they travel together to said party. So, when they arrive at the Leviathan House it’s night. Thank you, movie.

At least the song playing before they get into the house is by “Celldweller”. But then it’s generic crap when they get inside. I’ll let that slide.

Lance looks as tired as the premise for this series.

Oooo, lookee! It’s Lance fucking Henriksen! No points, though, as he’ll sign on for any direct to video crap nowadays.

Checking out Lances’ collection of Hellraiser knicks and knacks, everyone starts doing stupid shit. Just helping themselves to pick up, play with, tap on, smudge, spray stuff without even asking if it‘s ok. I hate these fuckers.

Well, here’s a remix of Celldweller. Good one! Keep trying and you could end up winning me over!

-0.01 point because as I watch them walk around this house, being told the history behind it, I realized something: for a group of douche-hats who claim to be such Hellraiser geeks, they have been and are continuing to be fucking disrespectful shits. Well, except for Jake. He’s the only sympathetic one.

Everyone is given a mask with a number on it and a cell phone, so you can call whoever you would like to hook up with. Oh, and that sets us up for a classic and yet fresh take on “Can you hear me now”? Oh, movie! You’re so topical and up to date on what the young-uns are into, these days!

And hey! “Celldweller” is back! “Never give up!” is this movies’ motto!

All of the other party goers seem to be having SUCH a great time. Vaguely moving their hands about and sort of bobbing up and down to, what I can only assume, was music that wasn’t even playing as they shot their scenes, as no one seems to have any rhythm

And we reach our first kill. Hmm, here’s an old chair with clamps to lock a person into it. I think I’ll have a seat! What’s that? A clamp just locked onto my right hand? Whatever shall I do? Perhaps move my left hand and legs away from the other clamping mechanisms that have not moved? Ehhhh, no. I’ll just pant and struggle as they take their time to completely trap me in this chair of doom.

And the “quirky cute” bigger bitch isn’t even killed by Pinhead or any other random Cenobite. Nice one, movie. I paid (*ahem* was given a copy, sorta) to see a Hellraiser movie, not Saw IV. Oh, but he shows up towards the end of her death to bestow upon us a “deep” one-liner. GODDAMMIT!

Oh, no! Dick-ass token black dick has dropped his inhaler amongst the dancing fools as he has an asthma attack! Surely he will die without it! So now he must leave the crowd to find it in the what? Yes, the basement.

I am so relieved that TBD got to his inhaler in the nick of time. Was really getting worried. So, he’ll just relax on this gurney for a bit. But wait! What’s this? An actual kill by Pinhead? Are you serious? Agh! He cut off his head with a big-ass cleaver. Is that a typical Cenobite kill? Isn’t there suppose to be, you know, suffering and all that? Chains, at least? Now he’s from that movie Mongoloid-Boys’ Birthday On An Unluckily Numbered Day? That’s it, movie. I must admit that it was a nicely executed decapitation. But you’re treading on thin ice, movie.

Meanwhile, Lance keeps digging graves outside. I’m sure this has nothing to do with the lack of Cenobite action and he’s just taking precautions in case of… I dunno… needing storage for some left over cadavers from the previous owners, or something.

Ok, half naked guy is back. Digging a hole in a dream sequence. Some rattling chains and Pinhead and… nothing. *sigh*

Alright! Total dick is about to get it! Now, his death is closer to a true Hellraiser scene. Some new-ish Cenobite (I guess he’d be Straps-on-my-face-obite) activates a huge hook and chain contraption and impales him on it. Pinhead shows up again to speak a pointless one-liner. Very impressive, but a long way to go.

Hehehe, Bitch can’t get her truck started, so Lance pops up and says “Like a bad horror movie, isn’t it?”. Um, well, this IS a bad horror movie, you fucking retarded writers! You’re just asking for anyone reviewing this to point that stupid fact out. Whatever.

Finally, the mystery of the half naked dude digging a hole: actually the dead Adam, and how he died. Actually, we just find out that he doused himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. Which does abso-fucking-lutely nothing to explain the digging of the hole. Hell, I could immolate myself in the bathroom, the backyard, or the bedroom and not require one bit of hole digging.

Pinhead scores another, but it was a spike through the head, mouth type thing. Not very Hellraiser-ish. But no points lost or gained.

So, now the “real” Chatterer shows up, but Chelsea is only pursued by her re-animated friends. And they haven’t been turned into cool Cenobites like Camera-head or CD-head from H3. They’re just sorta zombies with basic alterations like staples and shit. Fuck you, movie.

I’m already tired of these shenanigans. I pretty much figured out what was going on a little before an hour was up. The rest of this crap-fest is to explain everything that’s been going on. Unfortunately, it doesn’t explain why Dimension thought that this was the proper way to continue the Hellraiser mythology.

Ok, I’ll say this about what I just witnessed. It was shot very well.  Director Bota obviously took notes when he was cinematographer on House on Haunted Hill (a movie I really liked), as he lights, shoots and edits everything almost exactly the same.

Other than that, everything else is the absolute shitters. And it all starts with a poorly written script that has almost nothing to do with, you know, Hellraiser. Sure the party and game are based on the idea that it existed as a story/movie/game, but if you change that out with some original horror theme, you’d have a standalone film. It’s pointless. The movie even goes to lengths to state that none of the kills featuring Cenobites actually happened, because “Hellworld” or whatever isn’t real. Then the movie negates every goddamn thing it just spent setting up with an actual real Cenobite kill. With the worst Pinhead one-liner yet (“How’s that for a wake up call?”) and then throws out one more stupid dream sequence type scare. Fuck fuckity fucking FUCK!!!! (For the record all his other lines are pretty much “Adam was right.” “Do you believe Adam, yet Jake?” “This is just the beginning.”)

And the homage/rip-off of the coffin scene in The Gates of Hell was pretty pitiful. No suspense at all.

Rating: 1 1/2

Nix Says: Not enough blood, interesting action or story to keep it interesting but it’s shot well . You have the rights to some of the most menacing and frightening horror images in history and you abandon them for a stupid revenge tale? Fuck you, movie.